10 Things I Can't Do As A Barista

1. Read your mind. When you say "small caramel" and I ask "small caramel what?" im asking because I cannot read your mind as to what you would prefer a caramel high rise, caramel cooler, caramel macchiato, and the list goes on.
2. See through a cup. If you grab your drink and 10 minutes later come back and ask what drink you grabbed, I will not be able to know.
3. Magically wave my finger and make the store bigger. Im sorry that we are a coffee shop and 9 out of 10 people come to hang, asking me if we have any more tables in the back simply is not logical.
4. Brew a gallon of coffee in 30 seconds because you forgot to call in your order. It takes about 15 minutes to brew that much coffee, its not my fault you forgot and we dont have it on hand.
5. Have your drink ready in the 11 seconds that it takes you to walk from the register to the bar. Im only as fast as my machines.
6. Make your drink, cook your sandwich, make your oat meal, and get you a drink carrier all at the same time.
7. Shovel or de-ice the parking lot during a snow storm. We pay someone else to do that because that is not in my job description.
8. Watch your child while you make a trip to the bathroom. Im not sure if you read the sign as you walked in but we are a coffee shop, not a day care.
9. Give you free things because you come in every day of your life. I love seeing your face (most of the time) but I love getting paid even more.
10. Give you a latte when you order a mocha. What you order is what you get, I really dont care if the mocha costs you 20 cents less I still cant ring it up and make you a complete different drink. Also, if you cant spare the 20 cents you probably shouldn't be ordering a 4 dollar drink, or a drink at all for that matter.
11. Just for good measure: wait for you to finish your phone conversation.

Cat Fancy

Coffee shops have a tendency to attract a "different" clientele than most people realize. There are all kinds of insane people that walk in looking for attention and a listening ear. It's hard enough to listen to these crazy people, so adding more factors can be challenging if you consider yourself a nice person.
I had a customer come in every Saturday morning precisely at 7 am. He was always walking home from his overnight shift, and he would stop in for a chat but wouldn't buy anything. He was in his mid-thirties, but wore a child-like expression and did not have a lick of people skills. Every morning he'd walk up to the counter with his nose wrinkled and his front teeth unnaturally protruding (this was a face he intentionally made). He wouldn't say anything, but simply stood awkwardly making cat-like faces at you until you initiated conversation. And without failure, every Saturday he would talk for twenty minutes about his roommates cat (ragamuffin), and give painful reenactments of its behavior. It was the most painful and bizarre situation I have ever been repeatedly placed in and I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

The tip jar is not a take-a-penny jar...

My coffee store has a little trivia board up, and everyday there is a new question for the customers. For a correct answer, the reward is 10 cents off of your coffee; it's hardly worth anything, but it just makes answering the trivia a little more fun.

I had a customer come in, order a coffee, and pay for his coffee. He then proceeded to read the trivia question. He guessed the answer right, and then asked me if that meant that he got 10 cents off. I had started to say "sure, but I've already taken payment..." when he cut me off halfway through my sentence and took a dime out of the TIP JAR and walked away.

10 "should nots" for the coffee shop person

Ten Things Coffee Shop Customers Should Be Aware Of: 

1. Do you have ANY idea how obnoxious it is when you stand there and try to order when you are on your cell phone? We are people too; hang up the phone, or AT LEAST tell the other person to hold on for a minute.  Don’t act like I am the obnoxious one when I ask for your order…you did walk into a coffee shop.

2. I am not a mind reader.  If you say you want coffee with a shot of caramel, that’s what you are getting.  A latte is a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT DRINK.

3. Also, a latte typically is not iced, especially not in the middle of winter.  If you ask for a vanilla latte, and then get mad at me when it’s not iced, maybe you should rethink your ESP skills and ASK FOR IT ICED next time

4. Yes, it’s decaf. Yes, I’m sure. Yes, I double-checked.

5. “Low-fat” muffin does NOT mean it is good for you, or that it is low-calorie.  It simply means that it has 400 calories instead of 450 calories, and a couple less grams of fat.

6. A cappuccino is supposed to be 1/3 espresso, 1/3 milk, 1/3 froth.  If you come into a coffee shop and ask for a cappuccino, don’t be disappointed when it doesn’t taste like the sugary mess you get from the convenience store.

7. A small tip goes a LONG way.  We are working hard, and generally people are angry towards us… we aren’t asking for a lot, but if you throw in a couple quarters or a dollar, it is greatly appreciated.

8. You are getting a drink with whipped cream, chocolate, flavored syrup, and candies sprinkled on top.  Changing it from “2 percent” to “skim milk” is not going to really save you a lot…

9. I don’t have a say in the music.  My boss said I have to play it, so it’s getting played. I am sorry that you don’t like it…but I don’t either and I have to listen to it repeating for 6 hours at a time.

10. I also don’t have a say in the prices.  I know that it is expensive, but nobody is forcing you to pay $5 a day. And it won’t make the coffee cheaper if you complain about it and yell at me for it.

Love, Your local barista

What?

This isn't a horror story so much as a: "what?" story. This happened about seven or eight years ago. I was working in my coffee shop and a woman came in, looking at the menu board and said: 

"I'd like a burger with fries please."

I looked at her, so confused, and this was the conversation we had.

Me: "What?"

Her, obviously annoyed: "I'd like a burger with fries please."

Me: "I'm sorry, we don't serve that here."

Her: "Well what DO you serve?"

Me: "Coffee."

I then proceeded to point her towards are bakery and dinner type foods of course, but she clearly was on a mission for a burger with fries. I still don't know why she came into a coffee shop in search of them.

Our first story!!

It was my first week on the job, and, really, my first shift without a supervisor over my shoulder, guiding my every move.  I was still getting used to finding the buttons on the screen and was moving a little slow.  I look up to help the next customer, and this is what I hear:
     "I'd like a large mocha, with caramel drizzle on the bottom, skim milk, two shots of espresso, extra hot, steamed to 180, stirred, with a thin tight layer of whip on top to hold all of the extra shavings you are going to put on it, with the lid on the side."
     As I'm sure you can imagine, at this point I was still stuck on the word "drizzle" and when I asked him to repeat his order, he looked at me the same way that a Mensa member might look at the village idiot.  He then rolled his eyes, gave an overly-dramatic deep sigh, repeated his order, and then walked away so that he could go pick up his drink.  I still didn't get the order...but luckily the person making the drink was familiar with this guy and didn't need me to enter every little detail...otherwise, we all would have been there for a very long time.

Crying Over Spilled Milk

The silhouettes of two people appear in the dim light of the parking lot. The crisp night air pushes their feet swiftly towards the inviting coffeehouse. As the door is opened their senses are pleasurably soothed by the aromatic coffee that emanates from every corner of the building. The morning routine of opening a coffee shop is without question a work of art. It shares the likeness of a dance between two people; both follow a series of steps, but work together to display a grandeur of skill and beauty. The espresso machine must be assembled, the bakery displayed, and the coffee ground and brewed. Anyone familiar with a coffee house has cataloged the sounds that routinely assail their ears. The pounding of the espresso heads, the pouring of the shots, and the grinding of the beans is like a symphony, harmonizing together to render the resonance of coffee.
     History relays to us the importance of coffee shops on people and culture. It is a place of relaxation and refuge. A room filled with more than coffee and comfort food, but warm conversation and fellowship. The rich and delicious coffee is the gathering point for people of all ages to converge and connect.
     Unfortunately, in a highly consumer driven culture and economy the coffee house experience is now but a frail outline of it origins. Few people know what life is like for the modern barista’s who serve this ever growing self-indulgent civilization. The stories range from daunting to unbelievable to all out ridiculous. This blog is for barista’s around the country to write in and share their customer stories with each other. Let coffee bring us together like it was always intended, only in a more twisted way.
     Please remain anonymous (no names of real persons or companies) and e-mail us your stories (spilledmilkproject@gmail.com) to see them up on the blog!